Strength: A lesson learned when the wrinkles begin to form

I suppose it's apropos that my first stab at blogging deals with the concept of 'Strength', mainly being that of the inward emotional type. Such a bold revelation that happened just as suddenly as this first post. I spent the first year of marriage learning more about myself and my relation to others than I did in the 34 years thus far. I relocated from Los Angeles, a city that welcomed me at the naive age of 18 and cradled my upbringing for 15 years. In that decade and a half I thought I was living the life of an 'adult'. I had an apartment, a car payment, credit cards and social calendars. What I lacked was experience. A checking account doesn't make you a woman or a man, a car note is far from real responsibility and breakup number 2 with rocker boyfriend of the week doesn't sufficiently add up to the challenges one encounters in the face of bonafide turmoil. Granted, it all helps shape who we are, but I was mistaken to think that I had somehow peaked in my awareness. My 'wordly-ness' was just another delusion of Tinseltown. A backdrop for what was to come.

I met marriage head on with a cross country move, leaving behind everything I had and was in the West Coast. I packed my bags and took the leap laughing all the way. Of all things, the wedding was the easiest to tackle. It was the new city that stumped me, it was hitting reset on the career that near debilitated me. It was the first 'real' moment of adulthood that proved to me that every heartbreak in LA was just a training ground. Two months into our marriage, we had discovered that we successfully had gotten pregnant, never guessing that it could be so easy. So we thought. Just as soon as we received the news, a week later the smile turned to concern when our doctor could not locate the fetus in the embryonic sac. It was suggested we wait another week and test again. At week 7, there existed only a growing empty sac. We learned this horrible trick of nature had a name- Blighted Ovum. At this time our first physician casually suggested that we abort the pregnancy. Despite his expertise I had found evidence that miracles in the situation can and did occur. My husband and I decided to put our faith in God and hold out for his word. If it was not meant to be than a miscarriage would be imminent. We waited 12 weeks for that sign. Days before an appointment with a new OB/GYN I began to have symptoms of a potential miscarriage. Our new physician immediately sent us in for ultrasound that same afternoon.

Over the 12 weeks, I suppose we had some time to grieve, we had time to hope , we had time to accept all possible outcomes... at least that's what we had thought. In a darkened room with my husband's hand in mine, we watched the monitor as the lab technician painstakingly attempted to locate a fetus or even a heartbeat. I remember glancing at her face trying to gauge her reactions. Their training goes beyond the science as it was impossible to read her expression, but I knew she was desperately trying to locate some sign, ANY sign of life. I turned once again to the monitor catching a glimpse of my husbands eyes that could not help but water...12 weeks, countless prayers and many tears...there still remained simply an empty sac. Our child had stopped developing many weeks before and there was nothing to do but accept this fate.  After the procedure was complete a very kind eyed attending physician came into the exam room and looked at us both without speaking. Though he was not at liberty to discuss the findings without first contacting our primary doctor, we knew just by his silence our worst case scenario had begun to happen.

Within minutes of leaving the hospital I began to fully miscarry. Three hours at home alongside my husband we had lost what was left of any evidence of our pregnancy. So many weeks patiently waiting and the book had closed suddenly and without much pain. It simply drifted away from us. It took time to heal both physically and emotionally and perhaps there will always be a part of me that remains a bit scarred. In  the following months we looked forward to being able to begin trying again. We accepted our outcome and thought ourselves courageous for waiting as long as we did for God to step in and show us the road. Months would go by, and the spoils of getting pregnant so quickly the first time made trying again so difficult. Month after month were mini heartbreaks. You go into it trying to not 'try' but who's really good at that anyway? It defies human nature especially the nature of two people that came so close, only to begin hoping again. We are at 9 months of trying and exactly a year from when we first got pregnant. A Year? A year has gone by and somehow we're still here, trying, hoping and trusting that indeed there is a road. A first year of marriage being met with such a challenge as this. Amazingly and with much gratitude, I have never felt more strongly about a partner. Neither of us imagined a honeymoon phase such as this. I never knew what real loss was until now. I never knew about life problems that went beyond the occasional breakup or lack of funds. It was finding love at the surrender of a life I had on another coast, it was losing a child without ever getting to meet them, it was testing a fledgling marriage with the hope that we can survive everything. All along there being no guarantees of anything.

I have no doubt the road ahead will be difficult. There is so much uncertainty in trying to conceive, there is fear in my climbing age, mounting costs of Doctors visits, treatments and whatever other things lay before us. There is also the reality that God, does have a purpose and a plan and while our agenda to have children is natural and beautiful it may not unfold the way we had hoped. This is the strength of character I never knew until now. I see her more and more in the mirror along with a couple extra wrinkles here and there. If I quiet the head I believe I hear a very steady beating of the heart. A centered self that only comes when you have left youth behind. In the midst of disappointment and challenge I'm finding myself growing beyond my own expectations. I find my marriage building with stronger blocks and know that this foundation though absolutely saddening will not destroy that which is wonderful if we persevere. At the end of night, is a breaking dawn that cast shadows away. It will illuminate the road ahead and warm the chill.