Growing Pains of Friendship Circles

There was a time in my 20's, when I would say without question, that I had hundreds of 'friends'. Perhaps it was the leisurely lifestyle of Los Angeles or perhaps it was a byproduct of an adolescence spent mostly alone.  I never saw myself as fitting in while growing up, although I laugh now as I'm not entirely sure if any of us ever recall fitting in during our awkward teens. Either way, it wasn't until I left the nest (and the state) to attend college that I believe my circle began to grow. Dorm living does that for you I suppose. A house full of 18 year olds, away from home for the first time in their lives, learning how to be responsible functional adults together.  Not sure how responsible fake id's, late night pre-exam parties and my new found obsession with boys was, but I was definitely discovering the necessity of a well rounded support network. For the first time in my life, it seemed as though we were all on the same playing field. There was no division between the Prom King and the Mathletics Geek. We were all 18, clueless and in need of knowing that we weren't alone. By the time I graduated I had an insatiable desire to keep my circle growing. What I failed to begin realizing was that we would all continue to keep growing further and away .  A guy once told me in the form of a breakup speech that 'People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime'. While I had trouble appreciating the eloquence in the midst of getting dumped, I later understood how true those words really were.

From the beginning, I looked at everyone as my best friend. I loved knowing that there were so many lives connected to my own. I loved the idea, that I the unpopular kid that spent most of my childhood trying to win over my peers without success, now had an arsenal of amazing people in my corner. In return, I hoped that offered them the same. If human nature is generally universal, I think the basic construct of relationships can in essence be inherently slightly selfish. We desire connection because it makes us feel loved, gives us an opportunity to feel as though we make a difference and hopefully in the end, well thought of.  Trouble with that is sometimes the 'take' out weighs the 'give'. Over time, you begin realizing that sometimes you're the one making the effort. Instead of constantly initiating the calls, I began pulling back to see if anyone would notice. It was a cycle that seemed to repeat itself every couple months. Although rarely was the shift Earth shattering, since the friendships seemed to be a steady rotation of the coming and going. In the end we always reconnected and it was like old times again.  All along the way though I think circumstance clouds one's perception. It's like having bad boyfriends... if you date enough you forget what a good one is like. The same can be said about friendships. The quantity outshines the quality and discernment becomes incredibly dull.

It wasn't until life changed dramatically on me with a move and marriage, that my eyes grew sharper. Thousands of miles between here and there can really pose an issue in the effort department. In an age of technological hyper speed advancement, the phone seems a rather archaic vessel of communication. Facebook has replaced the occasional email conversation and Twitter is the new text. Passive interaction with a comprehensive spectrum of visual information. We can look up anyone and know exactly what they're doing at any given moment. We have vested interest in their lives but ironically they may never know that we actually spent a portion of our day thinking of them, unless we offer the conciliatory, 'Hey how are you?" wall greeting which almost always results in the "I'm great, you?"... A public display of vague interactions that lacks any sense of real human connection. An Internet full of exchanged pleasantries... in the end leaving you feeling even more isolated. I'm somehow reminded of that After School Special style of story where Jimmy moves away with his mom, longingly waving and watching out the back window as they make their way down the neighborhood street.

I suppose the test of friendship begins right in that moment. You discover those that will make the effort and those that perhaps may not. There lies the difference between a season and a lifetime. I surely had many 'Reasons', those fleeting acquaintances that seemed to fade the very next day. I had many, many 'Seasons'. The ones that witnessed so much of my evolutionary journey and allowed me to be part of theirs. Then there are the Lifetimes, the laughs we simply will never forget, the time that flies without our knowledge, the milestones we witness, the connective string that knows no distance. Those are the dwellers of my heart.

As a 35 year old married woman, I wonder sometimes if that was it. Did I meet all the 'lifetimes' I was going to meet? I knew this was coming, as I observed those in my group that married before I. Married life switches up priorities, it reallocates time. You find yourself in a new type of circle: 'Married Couple' and  'Married with Kids', the later we have not been introduced to yet but I have no doubt that's coming around the bend.  At every phase, there seems to be adjustments. For someone like me, that is quite comfortable with routine, I am reluctant to shaving off any more. Alas, there is an undercurrent of instinct that is seemingly becoming more and more acute and selective. I'm not jumping nearly as eager as the puppy I once was. In a city of millions, a bustling metropolis such a New York, I probably crossed paths with hundreds on any giving day. It's taken a couple of years to feel the roots growing beneath me and you take for granted how easy it was to meet new people as an 18 year old in their first year of college. Slowly but surely the social network is webbing outward but just how big do I really need it be these days? Am I ready to let go of that lonely little girl inside me? Am I ready to hold out for the Lifetimes and spend the rest of the time cultivating them?

Who knew a city so overpopulated could feel so incredibly lonely? But is it really, or is it my unfair bias? The needs of my younger self seem to like making the comparison but the new adult growing inside me, is feeling the pains of finally shedding expectation. When did someone else's love become so much more important than my own self-love? When did the number of friends in our personal world matter...Oh, yes when Friendster, Myspace and Facebook started counting them for us! At the end of my days, after I received all the life lessons, I hope I made a difference. Most importantly I hope I gave as much as I got.