When the Stars begin to Fall: Letting Go of Expectation

A week and a half ago, found me celebrating my 35th birthday. It was odd really. I remember as a child, wondering what life would be like when I was 'that old'.  I was a quite the dreamer in my adolescence. I'm sure a great many of us were/Are... Are we still dreaming? At 35, I suppose you begin to look at the picture that you've painted through the years. You take record of the triumphs, the pitfalls. The blunders and the wins. If only we were all 'winning' as Charlie Sheen would have us believe.

I had the privilege of speaking to a group of youths at the Covenant House here in New York recently. It's a facility that houses and educates disadvantaged and homeless teens. It's unbelievable to realize how many children begin their journey in this world with almost nothing. I say almost, because I could see despite circumstances, they all had the dreamer in their eyes.  My role was to discuss career planning along with a small panel of my peers. We came from a wide range of backgrounds, completely diverse paths with varying kernels of wisdom, or at least a more experienced perspective as we were all in our 30's and 40's.

While I could have gone into great depth about the 'glamorous' life of an actress and photographer,  I decided that what might best serve them is an education in goal setting. While my upbringing wasn't nearly as challenging as many of theirs, I understood what it meant to come from a family with limited means. I was raised by a single Mother barely getting by. Fortunately, what we could not afford monetarily, I was at least blessed to have been given in love and unconditional support no matter how hair-brained my goals were. As mentioned I was a big dreamer and big dreams, cost big money that we didn't have.  So, I learned to be resourceful. I wanted to be the first in my family to attend college. Of course I picked a private University 3,000 miles away in sunny California but hard work, focus, tenacity and a lot of faith in God, made me a USC Alum.  That experience taught me to be self motivated and perhaps that has always been my greatest strength.

Looking back, I am acutely aware that I chose a profession that is not only inherently difficult but is filled with more rejection than acceptance. Despite an imbalance of 'No's' ,  I've survived over 10 years in the crazy business of Entertainment. The best part, the part that I am most proud of, is my ability to still be absolutely positive and encouraging when I looked into the eyes of the teens I was speaking to.  They have every reason in the world, to chase the highest star and deserve to be given the wings of support to do so.

As I write this, I find myself slightly tearing. Not because I'm so proud of myself or have an overinflated idea that I am this ever giving charitable person.  At 35 years old, I realized that I started out reaching for one star and got lost in a sea of them. As you set your course while still in youth, you could never really see just how far up they were, or how long it was going to take to come even close enough to see the twinkle.

I found a great quote the other day, on a magnet no less, by an unknown author. "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself".  I wonder if indeed I created myself, enough. I've had so many wonderful stories in my collection of experiences. I've achieved opportunities in my profession, I have made great friends. I have been on TV, published in Magazines as a writer and a photographer. I have designed albums for so many talented clients I lovingly call friends.  All these amazing accomplishments, that made the teens I was speaking to 'ooh'  and 'ahh'. They were so much more proud of me than I was of myself.  I came there to teach them about striving to reach their dreams and they were teaching me how to see my own differently.

When you're drifting in the sky, it's hard to maintain perspective.  You start focusing in all directions and for someone like myself, sometimes simultaneously. I operate like a baby with a shiny object. While it's made my life nothing short of stimulating, it forces a different vantage point of 'success'.  My goal at 18 was to be like Julia Roberts. I wanted to be a famous actress, walk red carpets and give my Oscar acceptance speech. Most of life, that seemed the plan. I did everything I could imagine to try and achieve that.  With each passing year, and passing opportunity, things inevitably start to fall off. For all intents and purposes, and by definition of my original goal, I failed.

At 35, I am not Julia Roberts, I have not really walked red carpets as the star and I've never been cut off by music during my acceptance speech.   At 35, I have been on TV, I have been published, I have helped encourage and facilitate other people's dream, I am a wife, a friend. I have laughed as much as I've cried. I still struggle inwardly with those pre-conceived ideas of what I thought my life as an Actor would evolve into by this time. I peaked without ever knowing, such that success has been forced to changed along the way. The stars in heaven moved on me a bit. Some floated away, and others thankfully found me.

In the end, I hope I'm creating a version of myself that I will grow to be proud of.  When letting go of expectation, you breathe a little easier. Doesn't mean, that I don't still look up and wish and wonder 'what if?' When I look beyond my own self imposed disappointment, I see that my heart is filled with so much more than I ever imagined. It is a life that's different than I set out for, but more grounded and fulfilling than any trash in a Gossip magazine. On a number of occasions, I had met Brittany Murphy through mutual friends. I will always remember how sincerely sweet and genuine she was.  A girl who had gotten sucked into the vacuum of Hollywood. It created a void inside her, that she always seemed desperate to fill.  When she passed, it was not just sad, it was tragic. She wanted the very same things that I did and she perused it with everything she had in her being until it was all gone.  The business, as it's referred to is a very slippery slope, where most of the players are forever trying to reach the top and usually struggling against sliding to the bottom. I have to remind myself of this often. At 18 years old, you never think of that reality. You're too busy being mesmerized by the glitz.  The 'what if's' I dwell on could have had very dark possibilities. In the end I must trust the road I was led to and be grateful. 

To the dreamer in all of us,
The sky is a very big place, and stars are continuously forming.
May we never be discouraged at any age.

The Face of the Holy Spirit Around Us.

Today is Ash Wednesday. Perhaps you've begun to notice passerby's with what seems to be black markings above their brow. I would imagine in this modern day, most would quickly recognize the pattern and the source. In New York, there was a slight delay funny enough. The morning was like any other. People hustling by, filling the coffee shops and trains. As the morning turned into afternoon, I found more and more proudly displaying their signs of faith. The courage of the first to receive ashes, instilling confidence within the flock.  The hours passed and the number grew exponentially.  Religion for many, I suppose, can carry a shameful stigma and awkward fear of being misinterpreted.  At least in this Metropolitan city.  How often is religion used to divide and define us? Stereotypes of extremists used to represent the whole, inevitably misconstruing the message.  As a result, sadly our world grows more and more politically correct, taking "God" out of our vernacular.  I've grown to be in favor of possibly offending, than take the risk of 'hiding' my beliefs.

Although even for someone like myself, so rooted in own sense of religion, I've struggled with finding my faith between the grid of concrete these past two years.  Perhaps it is the energy of city, the relentless pace that challenges ones serenity.  Quiet moments rarely come, if at all.  There's a constant flow of foot traffic, honking of cabs enforcing their right of way, cell phone interruptions and the general determination to survive another day in this pressure cooker.  It is in those brief times, when I remember to look up, that I take in the clouds, the heavens, God.  Peeking through the slivers of blue sky amongst the concrete giants, I feel the hand reaching.  There is forever a tendency toward disconnect, that is so easy to fall prey to here. The summer brings leisurely days in Central Park, which finely tunes that chord between here and above.  However the winter, I'm afraid, reminds me just how easily it can be severed if you aren't paying attention.

It was reaffirming to watch the comings and goings of my neighborhood church.  Amongst a sea of people, you forget just how many share in your faith.  In a time of hardships and economic despair, it is comforting to see so many believers lifting their eyes.  Most days, I would never know, until speaking with them about God.  And how often does that happen?  In a city of millions there is an unfortunate byproduct of feeling oddly alone.  As I sat in church, praying for those in my life, I felt the power of people uniting.  I felt the calling of their hearts, whether old or new believers.  I felt their needs, as much as my own.

No matter how grounded each of us may be, to our beliefs of that which exists above, I think it's a beautiful thing that so many boldly proclaim their love of God today.  I am a Christian through and through.  While I am taught that only through Jesus are we saved, I truly believe in my heart that God speaks to each of us in our own language.  He loves us completely and will lead us, if we are open to follow.  I believe with all my heart in Jesus, his teachings, his suffering and from that, our forgiveness of sins.  It is the path I was led to, many many years ago.  I also believe that only in death, perhaps, will we ever know the answers to all the questions we may have in this world.

In this life we are given our challenges, our joys, our humility, our intellect, our yearning for knowledge, our curiosity and our inner spirit that will forever open our eyes if we allow it.