If you're anything like me, you have a tightrope. One that stretches between the inner self and the outer presentation. Life is about finding the sweet spot that resides in balance between those two ends. Funny enough the middle is the most unstable place on a tightrope and the risk of falling is that much greater.
So here we are, starting on one side is the inner self. 35 years of living on this Earth, numerous hours spent soul searching over too many $4 lattes, notebooks scribbled with thoughts, memories, creative writings and inspirations. What did I find? Well, I'm still looking I suppose, but I did discover something. More like someplace. Deep inside there's a rock in the middle of a forest clearing. On it sits a young girl, my mind's eye of myself as a child. There is a melancholy to the air like a stale mustiness. When I was in college, I was led on a guided meditation by an acting coach... this was the first time I discovered this place. I discovered the home of my inner child. I also discovered she has profound sadness in her eyes. The 'Why' is still left to be discovered.
Throughout my career as an actor I've often been told that I look like a 'wounded bird' in my headshots. Never mind the countless time spent coifing my hair or selecting the perfect outfit. Never mind the growing resume attached on back that always reminds me to be proud when I feeling insecure. Never mind any of it... I simply convey, 'help me I have a broken wing' apparently. After my college discovery of this pseudo special place inside me, this rock and the solitary mini-me I'm not at all that surprised. The eyes always speak the truth when the mouth tends to try to lie.
I've always wondered what is was. Where did this gravitas come from? Had it been imprinted on the DNA like a footprint of the bloodline before me? I think back upon my childhood with relative fondness. I was loved unconditionally and rarely did without despite our limited financial means. My childhood was not nearly as difficult as that of perhaps other members of my family. The greatest pain from my past was being bullied by classmates. (Although who isn't at some point) However even at an early age, I was a people pleaser. I often gave my abusers my school supplies in hopes of winning their friendship. They publicly shamed me and I so badly needed them to like and accept me. So perhaps I was always a bit of a 'wounded bird'. The more broken you appear, the greater the chance to get picked on. Darwinism at it's finest in the American School system, Survival of the Fittest. So, you grow up learning to compensate.
Three decades later, I've discovered the other side of my tightrope, the outer self. Confident, earnestly optimistic, people pleaser, looking for the best in everyone and ignoring their faults, no matter how destructive. The gal with the glass half full, as a dear friend recently pointed out. This version of me became the Centurion. My gatekeeper with a smile. There's that mouth, lying again. She works tirelessly, to make sure everything is always OK. Doesn't help that I work in a profession where you almost always have to be 'ON'. There is very little that is authentic in the Entertainment Industry and we all learn to play along. The irony is, if you play safe too much. If you're seemingly too together, perfect or dare I say happy you're not interesting. So, you start to walk backwards on the tightrope back to the dark side.
Of course if you move too far into the shadows, you lose the spark. You need a little light to catch the twinkle otherwise you just about disappear. You move back to the center, but where exactly is it? Perspective is so much easier if your across the way looking at the rope between these two places. When you're on it, is like losing all depth perception.
Being in New York, has created growth out of the challenge of surviving here. The city is rough around the edges just like it's inhabitants. There's 1.8 Million people cohabiting in the little island of Manhattan. That's more rough edges than most people would ever want to deal with. California Sunshine made my joyous outer self come alive and thrive. NewYork is reminding me of the little girl who sits and waits on that rock. She grows frustrated, even angry. Rage is a color I've desaturated on her behalf. However as of late she is finding a voice and I can almost hear her screaming. Instead of stifling her and burying her in plastic smiles, I might try embracing her. A child who is ignored only gets louder. I often said I danced along the line between shadow and the light and never was that so true than now.
So I'm back here again on this tightrope, precariously balancing between two ends looking for that 'sweet spot' in hopes of finding gold.
There's a Persian saying, "Only when it is dark, can you see the stars." There is always gold in the dark. I bet if you sit down with your little girl and listen, she will have a great message for you. I would venture to say it's about the great power of our authenticity and the courage it takes to step off the tight rope and outwardly express yourself as the multifaceted and complex being that you are. I too recall wanting to be accepted and trying to make it simple for others to "get" me. Putting myself in the warm, happy, sunshine, hippie, flower child, peace and love category. Simple right? But not an easy mask to wear when I didn't feel like being "on." Much like holding a beach ball under water - it was exhausting! Only later did I realize that it was my warbaby, my trauma, my suffering, the confusion of displacement, of feeling outside of things, of loss that has led me towards the very things I stand for. I don't have to be happy hippie girl to promote peace, I am someone who has seen losses on all sides of a war and that roots me deeply into pacifism in a very real way. That's a more grounded and inspiring truth than flower power if you know what I mean. People who keep it real, are so relaxed in the truth of who they really are, and they inspire us to let down our own defenses and see the beauty of our genuine inner child. It's a win win. :) Xoxo!
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