INSPIRATION : "a divine influence or action on a person believed to qualify him or her to receive and communicate sacred revelation"
I found inspiration today in a household plant. While that expresses a comical notion, that fact I can even possess 'living' household plants is comical in it's own right. I was once a gal with a black thumb. Moving to Manhattan, a city void of nature outside of Central Park, develops the horticulturalist in anybody...even me.
I have a lovely small potted palm. Ok, so yes, I picked about the easiest of varieties to maintain. But I tend to them and love them, especially now as I overlook nothing but the concrete of the city below. Yet what's more, is that somehow in my care my little plant sprouted two young offspring. Like a proud Momma, I've watched them from their very first sprouting. One seemed to jut out from the soil in a bit of a hurry of it's own, as if it suddenly just one day it appeared out of nowhere. The other appeared to be a weakly stunted seedling that barely punctuated the dirt. It reached up and through with the smallest leaf. I thought for sure it wouldn't survive. Nonetheless, I watered them, spoke to them...even kissed them from time to time. In our family, there are no children yet except for these two small seedlings struggling to survive their youth.
I've watched for many months as they grew each at their own pace. The smaller one, seemed to creep up and up but not without succumbing to the weight of the soil pressing down into it. I feared it could not bear the challenge, but it's once weak looking leaves now surprise me with each passing day. They have slowly grown stronger, greener.
Meanwhile the other that was so eager to enter the world and stand tall seemed to be growing weaker. It's stalk underdeveloped and thin. It's leaves wilting no matter how diligently I watered and fed it. It grew tall no doubt, but now could barely support it's own weight.
Today I looked to find it nearly fallen over. It's leaves, even those recently sprouted cracked and laid lifeless. My little underling, the one I thought for certain would surely die within weeks of it's peering through the surface was vibrantly green and beginning to flourish.
I found it heartbreaking and immediately began to dig up my dying seedling. While doing so I realized how shallow it had been planted. As I carefully removed it, I saw that some of it's roots were exposed to air and damaged. Despite it's rapid first growth, full of promise and fervor, it was now was falling incredibly short. It had always been too close to the surface. It did not have to struggle to break through like it's sibling. It's roots were not safely buried, leaving it vulnerable. It's stem remained juvenile and void of sound structure. Eventually without the need to grow strong in order to survive from the very start, it was unprepared to bear it's own weight.
In hopes of second chances, I've buried it's fragile roots and stem deeper into the ground. Only time will tell how it may weather it's new existence. My hope is that it is reversible as only death comes with permanence. In the meantime, I pull inspiration from little sprouted palm, who worked so hard to grow despite a mound of dirt and weight that surrounded it. It defied even my expectations.
In life, many will grow sullen in despair when they feel burdened by disappointments, by setbacks and obstacles. I, myself, sometimes wonder why certain journeys can be shrouded in more unforeseen difficulties than others. Some may have even weathered storms that I, thankfully, have never even known myself. All of our struggles are unique, but none are less valid then any others. Then one day you go through your normal routine to simply water a plant and you realize God speaks to you in all the ways he can. Sometimes it comes in unexpected moments, that can seem rather silly... but in reality become profoundly impacting and incredibly loud.
I'm thankful for those moments.
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Thursday, March 24, 2011
When the Stars begin to Fall: Letting Go of Expectation
A week and a half ago, found me celebrating my 35th birthday. It was odd really. I remember as a child, wondering what life would be like when I was 'that old'. I was a quite the dreamer in my adolescence. I'm sure a great many of us were/Are... Are we still dreaming? At 35, I suppose you begin to look at the picture that you've painted through the years. You take record of the triumphs, the pitfalls. The blunders and the wins. If only we were all 'winning' as Charlie Sheen would have us believe.
I had the privilege of speaking to a group of youths at the Covenant House here in New York recently. It's a facility that houses and educates disadvantaged and homeless teens. It's unbelievable to realize how many children begin their journey in this world with almost nothing. I say almost, because I could see despite circumstances, they all had the dreamer in their eyes. My role was to discuss career planning along with a small panel of my peers. We came from a wide range of backgrounds, completely diverse paths with varying kernels of wisdom, or at least a more experienced perspective as we were all in our 30's and 40's.
While I could have gone into great depth about the 'glamorous' life of an actress and photographer, I decided that what might best serve them is an education in goal setting. While my upbringing wasn't nearly as challenging as many of theirs, I understood what it meant to come from a family with limited means. I was raised by a single Mother barely getting by. Fortunately, what we could not afford monetarily, I was at least blessed to have been given in love and unconditional support no matter how hair-brained my goals were. As mentioned I was a big dreamer and big dreams, cost big money that we didn't have. So, I learned to be resourceful. I wanted to be the first in my family to attend college. Of course I picked a private University 3,000 miles away in sunny California but hard work, focus, tenacity and a lot of faith in God, made me a USC Alum. That experience taught me to be self motivated and perhaps that has always been my greatest strength.
Looking back, I am acutely aware that I chose a profession that is not only inherently difficult but is filled with more rejection than acceptance. Despite an imbalance of 'No's' , I've survived over 10 years in the crazy business of Entertainment. The best part, the part that I am most proud of, is my ability to still be absolutely positive and encouraging when I looked into the eyes of the teens I was speaking to. They have every reason in the world, to chase the highest star and deserve to be given the wings of support to do so.
As I write this, I find myself slightly tearing. Not because I'm so proud of myself or have an overinflated idea that I am this ever giving charitable person. At 35 years old, I realized that I started out reaching for one star and got lost in a sea of them. As you set your course while still in youth, you could never really see just how far up they were, or how long it was going to take to come even close enough to see the twinkle.
I found a great quote the other day, on a magnet no less, by an unknown author. "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself". I wonder if indeed I created myself, enough. I've had so many wonderful stories in my collection of experiences. I've achieved opportunities in my profession, I have made great friends. I have been on TV, published in Magazines as a writer and a photographer. I have designed albums for so many talented clients I lovingly call friends. All these amazing accomplishments, that made the teens I was speaking to 'ooh' and 'ahh'. They were so much more proud of me than I was of myself. I came there to teach them about striving to reach their dreams and they were teaching me how to see my own differently.
When you're drifting in the sky, it's hard to maintain perspective. You start focusing in all directions and for someone like myself, sometimes simultaneously. I operate like a baby with a shiny object. While it's made my life nothing short of stimulating, it forces a different vantage point of 'success'. My goal at 18 was to be like Julia Roberts. I wanted to be a famous actress, walk red carpets and give my Oscar acceptance speech. Most of life, that seemed the plan. I did everything I could imagine to try and achieve that. With each passing year, and passing opportunity, things inevitably start to fall off. For all intents and purposes, and by definition of my original goal, I failed.
At 35, I am not Julia Roberts, I have not really walked red carpets as the star and I've never been cut off by music during my acceptance speech. At 35, I have been on TV, I have been published, I have helped encourage and facilitate other people's dream, I am a wife, a friend. I have laughed as much as I've cried. I still struggle inwardly with those pre-conceived ideas of what I thought my life as an Actor would evolve into by this time. I peaked without ever knowing, such that success has been forced to changed along the way. The stars in heaven moved on me a bit. Some floated away, and others thankfully found me.
In the end, I hope I'm creating a version of myself that I will grow to be proud of. When letting go of expectation, you breathe a little easier. Doesn't mean, that I don't still look up and wish and wonder 'what if?' When I look beyond my own self imposed disappointment, I see that my heart is filled with so much more than I ever imagined. It is a life that's different than I set out for, but more grounded and fulfilling than any trash in a Gossip magazine. On a number of occasions, I had met Brittany Murphy through mutual friends. I will always remember how sincerely sweet and genuine she was. A girl who had gotten sucked into the vacuum of Hollywood. It created a void inside her, that she always seemed desperate to fill. When she passed, it was not just sad, it was tragic. She wanted the very same things that I did and she perused it with everything she had in her being until it was all gone. The business, as it's referred to is a very slippery slope, where most of the players are forever trying to reach the top and usually struggling against sliding to the bottom. I have to remind myself of this often. At 18 years old, you never think of that reality. You're too busy being mesmerized by the glitz. The 'what if's' I dwell on could have had very dark possibilities. In the end I must trust the road I was led to and be grateful.
To the dreamer in all of us,
The sky is a very big place, and stars are continuously forming.
May we never be discouraged at any age.
I had the privilege of speaking to a group of youths at the Covenant House here in New York recently. It's a facility that houses and educates disadvantaged and homeless teens. It's unbelievable to realize how many children begin their journey in this world with almost nothing. I say almost, because I could see despite circumstances, they all had the dreamer in their eyes. My role was to discuss career planning along with a small panel of my peers. We came from a wide range of backgrounds, completely diverse paths with varying kernels of wisdom, or at least a more experienced perspective as we were all in our 30's and 40's.
While I could have gone into great depth about the 'glamorous' life of an actress and photographer, I decided that what might best serve them is an education in goal setting. While my upbringing wasn't nearly as challenging as many of theirs, I understood what it meant to come from a family with limited means. I was raised by a single Mother barely getting by. Fortunately, what we could not afford monetarily, I was at least blessed to have been given in love and unconditional support no matter how hair-brained my goals were. As mentioned I was a big dreamer and big dreams, cost big money that we didn't have. So, I learned to be resourceful. I wanted to be the first in my family to attend college. Of course I picked a private University 3,000 miles away in sunny California but hard work, focus, tenacity and a lot of faith in God, made me a USC Alum. That experience taught me to be self motivated and perhaps that has always been my greatest strength.
Looking back, I am acutely aware that I chose a profession that is not only inherently difficult but is filled with more rejection than acceptance. Despite an imbalance of 'No's' , I've survived over 10 years in the crazy business of Entertainment. The best part, the part that I am most proud of, is my ability to still be absolutely positive and encouraging when I looked into the eyes of the teens I was speaking to. They have every reason in the world, to chase the highest star and deserve to be given the wings of support to do so.
As I write this, I find myself slightly tearing. Not because I'm so proud of myself or have an overinflated idea that I am this ever giving charitable person. At 35 years old, I realized that I started out reaching for one star and got lost in a sea of them. As you set your course while still in youth, you could never really see just how far up they were, or how long it was going to take to come even close enough to see the twinkle.
I found a great quote the other day, on a magnet no less, by an unknown author. "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself". I wonder if indeed I created myself, enough. I've had so many wonderful stories in my collection of experiences. I've achieved opportunities in my profession, I have made great friends. I have been on TV, published in Magazines as a writer and a photographer. I have designed albums for so many talented clients I lovingly call friends. All these amazing accomplishments, that made the teens I was speaking to 'ooh' and 'ahh'. They were so much more proud of me than I was of myself. I came there to teach them about striving to reach their dreams and they were teaching me how to see my own differently.
When you're drifting in the sky, it's hard to maintain perspective. You start focusing in all directions and for someone like myself, sometimes simultaneously. I operate like a baby with a shiny object. While it's made my life nothing short of stimulating, it forces a different vantage point of 'success'. My goal at 18 was to be like Julia Roberts. I wanted to be a famous actress, walk red carpets and give my Oscar acceptance speech. Most of life, that seemed the plan. I did everything I could imagine to try and achieve that. With each passing year, and passing opportunity, things inevitably start to fall off. For all intents and purposes, and by definition of my original goal, I failed.
At 35, I am not Julia Roberts, I have not really walked red carpets as the star and I've never been cut off by music during my acceptance speech. At 35, I have been on TV, I have been published, I have helped encourage and facilitate other people's dream, I am a wife, a friend. I have laughed as much as I've cried. I still struggle inwardly with those pre-conceived ideas of what I thought my life as an Actor would evolve into by this time. I peaked without ever knowing, such that success has been forced to changed along the way. The stars in heaven moved on me a bit. Some floated away, and others thankfully found me.
In the end, I hope I'm creating a version of myself that I will grow to be proud of. When letting go of expectation, you breathe a little easier. Doesn't mean, that I don't still look up and wish and wonder 'what if?' When I look beyond my own self imposed disappointment, I see that my heart is filled with so much more than I ever imagined. It is a life that's different than I set out for, but more grounded and fulfilling than any trash in a Gossip magazine. On a number of occasions, I had met Brittany Murphy through mutual friends. I will always remember how sincerely sweet and genuine she was. A girl who had gotten sucked into the vacuum of Hollywood. It created a void inside her, that she always seemed desperate to fill. When she passed, it was not just sad, it was tragic. She wanted the very same things that I did and she perused it with everything she had in her being until it was all gone. The business, as it's referred to is a very slippery slope, where most of the players are forever trying to reach the top and usually struggling against sliding to the bottom. I have to remind myself of this often. At 18 years old, you never think of that reality. You're too busy being mesmerized by the glitz. The 'what if's' I dwell on could have had very dark possibilities. In the end I must trust the road I was led to and be grateful.
To the dreamer in all of us,
The sky is a very big place, and stars are continuously forming.
May we never be discouraged at any age.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Face of the Holy Spirit Around Us.
Today is Ash Wednesday. Perhaps you've begun to notice passerby's with what seems to be black markings above their brow. I would imagine in this modern day, most would quickly recognize the pattern and the source. In New York, there was a slight delay funny enough. The morning was like any other. People hustling by, filling the coffee shops and trains. As the morning turned into afternoon, I found more and more proudly displaying their signs of faith. The courage of the first to receive ashes, instilling confidence within the flock. The hours passed and the number grew exponentially. Religion for many, I suppose, can carry a shameful stigma and awkward fear of being misinterpreted. At least in this Metropolitan city. How often is religion used to divide and define us? Stereotypes of extremists used to represent the whole, inevitably misconstruing the message. As a result, sadly our world grows more and more politically correct, taking "God" out of our vernacular. I've grown to be in favor of possibly offending, than take the risk of 'hiding' my beliefs.
Although even for someone like myself, so rooted in own sense of religion, I've struggled with finding my faith between the grid of concrete these past two years. Perhaps it is the energy of city, the relentless pace that challenges ones serenity. Quiet moments rarely come, if at all. There's a constant flow of foot traffic, honking of cabs enforcing their right of way, cell phone interruptions and the general determination to survive another day in this pressure cooker. It is in those brief times, when I remember to look up, that I take in the clouds, the heavens, God. Peeking through the slivers of blue sky amongst the concrete giants, I feel the hand reaching. There is forever a tendency toward disconnect, that is so easy to fall prey to here. The summer brings leisurely days in Central Park, which finely tunes that chord between here and above. However the winter, I'm afraid, reminds me just how easily it can be severed if you aren't paying attention.
It was reaffirming to watch the comings and goings of my neighborhood church. Amongst a sea of people, you forget just how many share in your faith. In a time of hardships and economic despair, it is comforting to see so many believers lifting their eyes. Most days, I would never know, until speaking with them about God. And how often does that happen? In a city of millions there is an unfortunate byproduct of feeling oddly alone. As I sat in church, praying for those in my life, I felt the power of people uniting. I felt the calling of their hearts, whether old or new believers. I felt their needs, as much as my own.
No matter how grounded each of us may be, to our beliefs of that which exists above, I think it's a beautiful thing that so many boldly proclaim their love of God today. I am a Christian through and through. While I am taught that only through Jesus are we saved, I truly believe in my heart that God speaks to each of us in our own language. He loves us completely and will lead us, if we are open to follow. I believe with all my heart in Jesus, his teachings, his suffering and from that, our forgiveness of sins. It is the path I was led to, many many years ago. I also believe that only in death, perhaps, will we ever know the answers to all the questions we may have in this world.
In this life we are given our challenges, our joys, our humility, our intellect, our yearning for knowledge, our curiosity and our inner spirit that will forever open our eyes if we allow it.
Although even for someone like myself, so rooted in own sense of religion, I've struggled with finding my faith between the grid of concrete these past two years. Perhaps it is the energy of city, the relentless pace that challenges ones serenity. Quiet moments rarely come, if at all. There's a constant flow of foot traffic, honking of cabs enforcing their right of way, cell phone interruptions and the general determination to survive another day in this pressure cooker. It is in those brief times, when I remember to look up, that I take in the clouds, the heavens, God. Peeking through the slivers of blue sky amongst the concrete giants, I feel the hand reaching. There is forever a tendency toward disconnect, that is so easy to fall prey to here. The summer brings leisurely days in Central Park, which finely tunes that chord between here and above. However the winter, I'm afraid, reminds me just how easily it can be severed if you aren't paying attention.
It was reaffirming to watch the comings and goings of my neighborhood church. Amongst a sea of people, you forget just how many share in your faith. In a time of hardships and economic despair, it is comforting to see so many believers lifting their eyes. Most days, I would never know, until speaking with them about God. And how often does that happen? In a city of millions there is an unfortunate byproduct of feeling oddly alone. As I sat in church, praying for those in my life, I felt the power of people uniting. I felt the calling of their hearts, whether old or new believers. I felt their needs, as much as my own.
No matter how grounded each of us may be, to our beliefs of that which exists above, I think it's a beautiful thing that so many boldly proclaim their love of God today. I am a Christian through and through. While I am taught that only through Jesus are we saved, I truly believe in my heart that God speaks to each of us in our own language. He loves us completely and will lead us, if we are open to follow. I believe with all my heart in Jesus, his teachings, his suffering and from that, our forgiveness of sins. It is the path I was led to, many many years ago. I also believe that only in death, perhaps, will we ever know the answers to all the questions we may have in this world.
In this life we are given our challenges, our joys, our humility, our intellect, our yearning for knowledge, our curiosity and our inner spirit that will forever open our eyes if we allow it.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Can Christians Remember to Love like Jesus?
After walking home from completing some errands I decided to pop into the church next door to my home. There is something about sitting in the quiet of a still church and praying that reminds me to stay connected to my faith. This morning something a little more unusual happened.
I had settled myself towards the back pew and began praying when I started to hear the sounds of rather loud chatter. At first it was indistinguishable but my thoughts immediately went to judgment. In my own inner monologue, I said to myself, "I can't believe people are talking so loudly in church...It's like a library", there's certain etiquette one maintains and an expectation of behavior in a place of worship. Eventually the talking got louder as the two gentleman began to approach behind me. It was at this point that I was able to put the hints of conversation together. I realized that the small group I had passed on my way in, were actually patients visiting from a rehab facility. Perhaps this was a requirement of their treatment or a transition out of the facility. I wasn't quite sure, but I began to listen all the while feeling shameful in some ways. Not only was I've eavesdropping, which is rude, but I also began having guilt about being so judgmental at first. These men struggled daily with their inner demons. Drugs and alcohol had become their salvation and now they were being brought into the fold of real saving grace. It was apparent that they struggled with this course of treatment, perhaps were even slightly resistant. They spoke of a female counselor whom they loved, as much as they may have loathed. She seemed to be successful in opening them up. Poetically enough they remained open as they continued to talk amongst their peers rather noticeably, within the walls of this otherwise peaceful cathedral.
Their conversation, though brief, inspired a realization that Jesus' love knows no bounds. Unlike humans who, at times, bombard, command and then persecute, God found a simple gentle way of showing his love. This group of men, had indeed been brought there not by choice, but the experience ignited their spirits. They began talking about faith, about the Christians that they knew that had strong faiths. They talked about their shortcomings with drugs and alcohol and the needs to improve their lives. While they may not have had the prescribed etiquette of church behavior, they had received the message ever so subtlety. I watched as others from the group walked around the various stations of the cross and other holy artifacts. One never knows the inward voices on the human heart, except for God, but they seemed to be awed by the beauty and peacefulness. What I witnessed before me, was God's unconditional love being bestowed on these gentleman that I was so quick to judge when first hearing their voices. While some of us may choose to pray in silent meditation, it is possible that just by fellowship with others in a place of worship, prayers were being made in between the words. It was a good lesson to remind me that God has a place in his heart for all of us and so shall we offer the same.
As I sat, thankful of the reminder of what faith really entails, I had another opportunity offered as I left. The men now all gathered near the front door with their guide, seemed to be unsure of how to feel about themselves in such a place as this. They seemed to have that uncomfortable body language, not knowing whether to stand or run. I think we are always our own worst enemy and judge, no matter what our demons may be. As I walked past them, I smiled knowing and believing that we all belonged there. One of them in particular responded with his own gentle smile. We connected not by backgrounds, but by acceptance. It was the most human I have felt in quite some time. It's amazing how life gives you these moments to be a better person, if you pay attention. I think being Christian is about understanding your faith and striving to be the example and not the demand.
I had settled myself towards the back pew and began praying when I started to hear the sounds of rather loud chatter. At first it was indistinguishable but my thoughts immediately went to judgment. In my own inner monologue, I said to myself, "I can't believe people are talking so loudly in church...It's like a library", there's certain etiquette one maintains and an expectation of behavior in a place of worship. Eventually the talking got louder as the two gentleman began to approach behind me. It was at this point that I was able to put the hints of conversation together. I realized that the small group I had passed on my way in, were actually patients visiting from a rehab facility. Perhaps this was a requirement of their treatment or a transition out of the facility. I wasn't quite sure, but I began to listen all the while feeling shameful in some ways. Not only was I've eavesdropping, which is rude, but I also began having guilt about being so judgmental at first. These men struggled daily with their inner demons. Drugs and alcohol had become their salvation and now they were being brought into the fold of real saving grace. It was apparent that they struggled with this course of treatment, perhaps were even slightly resistant. They spoke of a female counselor whom they loved, as much as they may have loathed. She seemed to be successful in opening them up. Poetically enough they remained open as they continued to talk amongst their peers rather noticeably, within the walls of this otherwise peaceful cathedral.
Their conversation, though brief, inspired a realization that Jesus' love knows no bounds. Unlike humans who, at times, bombard, command and then persecute, God found a simple gentle way of showing his love. This group of men, had indeed been brought there not by choice, but the experience ignited their spirits. They began talking about faith, about the Christians that they knew that had strong faiths. They talked about their shortcomings with drugs and alcohol and the needs to improve their lives. While they may not have had the prescribed etiquette of church behavior, they had received the message ever so subtlety. I watched as others from the group walked around the various stations of the cross and other holy artifacts. One never knows the inward voices on the human heart, except for God, but they seemed to be awed by the beauty and peacefulness. What I witnessed before me, was God's unconditional love being bestowed on these gentleman that I was so quick to judge when first hearing their voices. While some of us may choose to pray in silent meditation, it is possible that just by fellowship with others in a place of worship, prayers were being made in between the words. It was a good lesson to remind me that God has a place in his heart for all of us and so shall we offer the same.
As I sat, thankful of the reminder of what faith really entails, I had another opportunity offered as I left. The men now all gathered near the front door with their guide, seemed to be unsure of how to feel about themselves in such a place as this. They seemed to have that uncomfortable body language, not knowing whether to stand or run. I think we are always our own worst enemy and judge, no matter what our demons may be. As I walked past them, I smiled knowing and believing that we all belonged there. One of them in particular responded with his own gentle smile. We connected not by backgrounds, but by acceptance. It was the most human I have felt in quite some time. It's amazing how life gives you these moments to be a better person, if you pay attention. I think being Christian is about understanding your faith and striving to be the example and not the demand.
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